My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
