I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
