i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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