i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
