Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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