How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Randomize
