why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
