Please, let me fuck your mom
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
