I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
They took my balls.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
