i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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