Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
