I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
