At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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