after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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