I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
