At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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