i think my mom watched the whole time
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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