So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
