I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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