yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
