Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
