Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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