just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
