my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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