I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
question - sack: should she or should she not play with it during foreplay?
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
