just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
