I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
