I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
