idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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