Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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