I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
we should paint friendship bongs
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
