We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
