i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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