my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
