the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
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