I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
