How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
