Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
