I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
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