You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
