Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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