If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
