I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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