what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize