You really coming over, don't trick.
In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Randomize
