I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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