I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
