the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
