Only a mothe r could love this liver
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
