I think I died a long time ago.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
