I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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