Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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