just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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