Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Sext me about skeletons
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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