We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Randomize
