i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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