I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
