MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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