I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize