Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
