Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize